Sexual Sobriety

To counter the destructive consequences of sex and love addiction, we draw on five major resources  Here is one: 

Sobriety. Our willingness to stop acting out in our own personal bottom-line addictive behavior on a daily basis. 

This doesn't mean we stop having sex.  It means that we identify and eliminate behavior that we have tried again and again and find destructive and disruptive.  This opens the way to what is genuine and pure in our lives.

Returned To Over and Over

Before coming to meetings, many of us never knew that our problem had a name.  All we knew was that we couldn't control our sexual behavior.  For us, sex was a consuming way of life.  Although the details of our stories were different, our problem was the same.  We were addicted to sexual behaviors that we returned to over and over, despite the consequences. - Sex Addicts Anonymous Page 3.

I remember pushing back against the idea of sexual addiction.  Some argued that the idea of addiction is counter to the idea of sin or the moral side of my behavior.  Others didn't like the term for the opposite reason thinking that if they accept it as an addiction, they would be judging a behavior they felt they were perfectly free to do.  But I had to remove myself from such debates and admit that this was behavior I was returning to over and over again in spite of what it was doing to my life and the great peril it was putting me.

In spite of the large amount of money spent, the time wasted, the secrets carried, the deception of missing work, stretching lunch hours, making up stories, the risky behavior, the uncertainty of disease, and the treat of being caught, I would return again again and again.  

I am perfectly willing to identify as a sex addict.  I got to the place where I no longer wanted to argue the term.  I just wanted help.

From Desperation to Purpose

Desperation brought us together.  We found in each other what we could find nowhere else:  People who knew the depth of our pain.  Together we found hope and the care of a loving Higher Power.  Our commitment is to help others recover from sexual addiction, just as we have been helped. 

What if the thing that seems so devastating in my life can actually be part of my calling and purpose?

Sexual addiction was that which made my life out of control.  It had the potential to destroy everything that was important and I couldn't do anything about it.  I remember that feeling of despair wondering if I just need to budget more money to act out on business trips until I either got caught or caught a fatal disease.  This desperation landed me in the meeting rooms.  But as the solution began to set in, it began to dawn on me that this deliverance that was given to me can be the thing that helps others as well.  I came to get help for me.  To my surprise, we began to help others.

The Wisdom of the Group

In our groups, there is a collective wisdom that has grown and been handed down over the years.  We learn many new solutions to old problems.  Central to these are the Twelve Steps, a spiritual program of recovery.  Following these steps leads to freedom from addictive sexual behaviors and to the healing of our minds, bodies, spirits, relationships, and sexuality. Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 2

Most everyone who struggles with sexual addiction feel that they need to solve the problem alone.

 Perhaps it was the shame I carried of what I was dong.  Perhaps it was this belief that I need to be self-sufficient and solve my own problems.  Perhaps it was this misguided hope that the key was in the next spiritual technique or the next book or the next sermon or the next resolve or the next discipline or the next statement of repentance.

But this unwieldy knot has been untied by others already.  There are other recovering sex addicts who have thought about the same uncontrolled passions, the same obsessions, the same rituals, the same shame, and have found a solution.

There is no advantage or benefit to struggling with a problem alone when others have already found the solution to long term sobriety.