Monday, January 30, 2017

There is a solution!

There is a solution!One of the chapters of the AA book proclaims:  There is a solution!  This was pretty radical considering the book was written in the 1930's and at that time alcoholism was looked upon much like sex addiction today.  Many thought there wasn't a problem and that alcoholics should simply moral and discipline up and stop drinking. Those who realized the desperate dilemma of the alcoholic really didn't know how to help them.  They seemed beyond hope.

Then through a series of unlikely circumstances and experiences a solution was pieced together and AA was born.  Their solution was that by working a series of twelve steps, one would clear away the debris in their lives.  This would make the way for a power greater than themselves to grant them a vital spiritual experience that constituted a change greater than their longing for alcohol.

Such a solution has been given to us in the twelve steps that we work in our program.  We are not cured and no one in our group is beyond the possibility of acting out.  But as one member said, "No longer does the car drive me to the adult bookstore.  I now drive the car."

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Signs of Powerlessness

We came to understand that we were powerless over sex and love addiction and that resolve and willpower alone was not going to break the spell that drove us.  These are some of the signs that helped us recognize that we were truly addicted and needed help:

Signs of Powerlessness
  • Progression - Our behavior began to grow in expanding concentric circles of willingness, risk, and intensity.  What satisfied us at the beginning, exploratory stage only set us up for the behavior we think we need now.
  • Violated Values - As our addiction grew, we became more and more willing to violate our cherished moral and religious values leaving us with a sense of shame and regret.  One addict said that he could not lower his moral standards fast enough to keep up with his behavior.
  • Efforts to Stop - We found that all of our efforts to stop through resolve, discipline, and willpower might help for a season but we eventually found ourselves acting out again, often in larger ways and binges.  One addict wondered if he should just budget more money when he went away on business knowing he was going to seek out and find a prostitute.
  • Risks - We had a greater willingness to ignore the consequences of life whether it was violating the law or putting our life, reputation, and health at risk.
  • Unmanageable - We found that we were willing to spend significant amount of money and time on our disease and endure the shame, fear, and loss of self-respect that acting out leaves us with.  Most of all, we went home with secrets and tried to outwardly carry on a normal existence wondering when we were going to get found out.
None of this is intended to shame.  When we came to grips that much in this list was true in our lives, we got help.  This realization of powerlessness was the key to unlock the door to reach out for help.  We found SLAA where people received us without judgment or condemnation and we began to regain sanity and get better.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Broken Boundaries

Broken Boundaries
We would try to establish boundaries around our behavior, but eventually we’d violate these boundaries.  Some of us decided that we would engage in certain behaviors, but that we wouldn’t bet involved in other things that were dangerous, caused harm to others, or were illegal.  We would act out in so-called “safe” ways, and only fantasize about acting out in forbidden ways. 

Then one day, we crossed those boundaries.  We paid for sex when we thought we never would.  We took risks meeting strangers for sex.  Or we violated the sexual boundaries of others.  We may have promised ourselves that we would not do these things a second time, and yet we did.  Before long, we did them repeatedly, hoping we could stop, while praying that we wouldn’t get caught.


SAA page 5

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Willing To Change

Willing To Change
"We have learned from hard experience that we cannot achieve and maintain abstinence if we aren't willing to change our way of life.  But if we can honestly face our problems, and are willing to change, the Twelve Steps of SLAA will lead to an awakening that allows us to live a new way of life according to spiritual principles."

-Sex Addicts Anonymous Book, page 20

Sunday, January 22, 2017

Healing

HealingWhen we begin to heal, we begin to substitute honesty for self-destructive ways of expressing emotions and feelings.  We learn to avoid situations that may put us at risk physically, morally, psychologically or spiritually. We learn to accept and love ourselves, to take responsibility for our own lives, and to take care of our own needs before involving ourselves with others. We become willing to ask for help, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and learning to trust and accept others.

One may think that the SLAA fellowship is to help us stop acting out with everything else unchanged.  Rather, it is helping our Higher Power change us so that we live life in such away so that acting out does not have to be central.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Signs of Sex Addiction

Signs of Sex Addiction
Here are some signs of sex addiction:

  • Powerlessness over addictive sexual behavior.
  • Resulting unmanageability of his/her life.
  • Feelings of shame, pain, and self-loathing.
  • Failed promises and attempts to stop acting out.
  • Preoccupation with sex leading to ritual.
  • Progressive worsening of negative consequence
Many of us know these characteristics first hand.  We found not silver bullet or magic cure.  But we did find a fellowship of other sex and love addicts.  By admitting our powerlessness over our addictive sexual behavior and working the steps with a sponsor, we found that these characteristics could be put at bay and we can begin to live a life of healing.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

The Paradox of Powerlessness

The Paradox of Powerlessness
The amazing paradox was that we were totally unable to rid ourselves of our compulsive sexual and romantic behavior until we first admitted that we were powerless over it.  This is counter intuitive as one would think that we would have to be stronger so that we can fight the triggering urge.  But unlike other areas of our lives where we had mastery, this addiction won the day.

Until we admitted our powerlessness and turned to help.  Others kindled in us a hope that there is a power greater than ourselves that could restore our life and sanity.  It was our acknowledgement of powerlessness over our addiction that moved us to take and work the tools at hand until sobriety and then serenity started to become a way of life.

Monday, January 16, 2017

Why Sex Addiction Is Different

Why Sex Addiction Is Different
With alcoholism and drug addiction, defining abstinence is simpler.  Once can live happily without alcohol or drugs.

For this reason, we define our bottom line behavior (acting out) as well as are middle line behavior (risky or warning behavior) as well as our upper line (positive behavior that defines who we truly are).

"Most of us have no desire to stop being sexual altogether.  It is not sex in and of itself that causes us problems, but the addiction to certain sexual behaviors.  In SLAA will be better able to determine what is addictive and what is healthy.  However, the fellowship does not dictate to its members what is and isn't addictive sexual behavior.  Instead we have found that it is necessary for each member to define his or her own abstinence."

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 14.


Sunday, January 15, 2017

Moving Out Of Shame

The thing that binds us in our addiction is shame.  It is painful to talk about our exploits and so we isolate.  Yet it is this isolation that fuels and perpetuates our addiction.

This is why the fellowship of SLAA is important.  We come out of shame into a community of those who understand.  In every meeting we read:

Moving Out Of Shame
"Our main purpose tonight is to make you feel welcome and share with you are message of recovery from sex and love addiction.  Please be assured that we are not the arbiters of anyone's sexual or romantic conduct.  What you choose to do or not do is your business.  We are only here to help you and to help ourselves."



Only in such a fellowship can we begin to face our compulsive behavior and move towards healing.

We're Not Special

We're Not Special
As sex and love addicts, we fall into the trap of thinking we are special.  I can get that thing that will meet my need by skirting around the rules.  While we can be good on our jobs, resourceful, practical and intelligent, we find in this area we make choices that put us at great risk.  Others have lost jobs, marriages, respect of family, ministries, and health but when we act out, we embrace the notion that we are somehow immune.  When we come into the fellowship of SLAA, our sanity and sense of reasonableness began to be restored.  We began to understand what it is like to be ordinary enjoying life, developing healthy hobbies and habits, and bringing our unique gifts and talents to serve the world around us,

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Our Addiction - Acting Out

Our Addiction - Acting Out
Sex addiction is a disease affecting the mind, body, and spirit.  It is progressive, with its behavior and its consequences usually becoming more severe over time.  We experience it as a compulsion, which is an urge that is stronger than our will to resist, and an obsession, which is a mental preoccupation with sexual behavior and fantasies.  In SLAA, we have come to call our addictive sexual behavior acting out.

Sex Addicts Anonymous page 3