Reaching Out For Help

We have found, through long and painful experience, that we are unable to achieve recovery from sexual addiction through our own efforts.  Our program is based on the belief, confirmed by our own experience, that a Power greater than ourselves can accomplish for us what we could not do alone.  By surrendering our addiction to a Higher Power, we receive the gift of recovery, one day at a time.  Sex Addicts Anonymous page 1

I had a strong faith tradition and I believed, not out of legalism but out of sincerity, that acting out for me was wrong.  I tried many ways to stop.  I prayed.  I repented.  I even at one time said that I would give to the church the same amount I spent on prostitutes (that strategy didn't work or last long).  Every time I think I got the right doctrine or thinking or key, I would go along just fine a while.  And then seemingly out of nowhere I found myself in a massage parlor or an adult book store once again.

It wasn't that the things I was trying is wrong.  I still personally believe in prayer and repenting and exercising my faith tradition.  It's just that I was trying to do it all by myself by reading a book or by trying to puzzle it out.  This thing was so strong that it wasn't going to be broken on my terms.  I needed something greater than myself even if it was another person who had obtained sobriety and was willing to share with me the path of how they found it.  This is what I received in joining the SLAA meetings in Boone.

A Progressive Disease

Sex addiction is a disease affecting the mind, body, and spirit.  It is progressive, with the behavior and its consequences usually becoming more severe over time.  We experience it as a compulsion, which is an urge that is stronger than our will to resit, and as obsession, which is a mental preoccupation with sexual behavior and fantasies.  In SAA, we have come to call our addictive sexual behavior acting out.   (Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 1)

My foray into sexual addiction was as a young man when I went into a pornographic theater for the first time and thought I was in heaven.   I then moved to escort services and then found Asian massages.  Later, it became street pick ups and then acting out with men in bookstores and public places.

All of this went against my moral beliefs.  Yet, I found that my addiction was like concentric circles of ever increasing behavior and risk.  One person said that they couldn't lower their moral standards fast enough to keep up with their behavior.

I attempted many things to stop but the obsession and mental preoccupations would return at will and I would find myself acting out again.

We Are Sex Addicts

We are sex addicts.  Our addiction nearly destroyed our lives, but we found freedom through the recovery program of Sex Addicts Anonymous.  In the fellowship of SAA, we discovered that we are not alone and that meeting regularly together to share experience, strength, and hope gives us the choice to live a new life.

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 1

Before I got into the program I thought to admit I was a sex addict would be to somehow evade responsibility.  I was taught that if I said I was an addict, I wouldn't be admitting that I was committing sin.

I found that this is not true.  In the program, I was able to face my choices, character defects, and people I hurt.  But first, I needed to do something bigger.  I needed to admit that I had a problem that was bigger than me and that by myself I was out of control.  While I didn't go directly to SAA (I visit this excellent group when in Charlotte), I did find SLAA, a similar program, that meets each week in Boone.  Here, over time, I learned how to make choice over against my addiction to enjoying a much better life.

Sex Addiction is Cunning, Baffling, and Powerful

It is easy to forget how cunning, baffling, and powerful our addiction to sex and love is.  It lurks in the shadows waiting to take away everything that is of values.

Some have lost marriages.  Some have lost jobs.  Some have lost roles and standing in church.  Some have even lost their lives.

But we believe that there is a power greater than ourselves.  For some of us, the growl of our addiction is often heard.  But as we work our program, the beast is defanged and can do no harm.

Meetings in Boone, NC

The meetings have been our source of life, coming out of the shadows of isolation.  Some of us resisted but we eventually learned that there was nothing to be afraid of.

We heard other people's stories and we realized that we weren't freaks of nature.  Rather, we struggled with a disease that was much more powerful that we were.

But we didn't find the meetings to be a place to whine in defeat.   There was no shame.

People were living the solution.  People whose lives were once out of control now had some measure of serenity and sobriety.  All were welcome no matter where they have been or how far down the scale they feel they have fallen.

There was laughter, camaraderie, and hope.  Those who wandered through the doors awash with the pain, regret, and confusion of habitual acting out began to find success.  Over time, they realized they were worthwhile human beings and had something to give to others.

There are no fees or dues.  SLAA meets 6-7 on Monday night in Downtown Boone, NC.  E-mail or call for directions.

Why Sex Addicts Isolate

We sex addicts tend to isolate because there is a cunning determination that we can lick this thing alone.  If only we try a bit harder, use more self-discipline, or try to solve all our distresses in life, we won't find ourselves back in that spot once again.

It isn't that we sex addicts can't quit.  We just can't stay quit.

There is something further than simple the pride of wanting to do it ourselves.  There is also shame and fear.  Who do we trust to talk about this stuff?  Who would understand.  Won't it risk that people will see us as the fraud we really are?

This is why a meeting of sex addicts such as SLAA in Boone, NC is so important.  We've all been there in the shadows.  There is no shame or judgment here.  We were once in isolation, too.  We have deep gratitude that the pain of our addiction finally drove us to the light.

Sexual Addiction Fourth Step

Doing a Fourth Step as a sex addict took courage because we were gradually giving up our old rationalizations, dishonesty, and self-pity, in order to discover the truth about who we are.  In the process, most of us found ourselves peeling away layers of denial.  Our distorted view of ourselves led us to avoid responsibility for our actions.  Our denial about our addictive behaviors prevented us from seeing our faults.

At the same time, our belief  that we were horrible people kept us from believing we could ever change, or be deserving of a better life.  In taking the Fourth Step, we became willing to challenge these old ways of thinking and examine ourselves with a new clarity.

Based on SAA Text.

Boone Sex and Love Addicts - A Path To Recovery

It may seem as it did for many of us that no matter what we tried to deal with our compulsive sexual behavior, time would pass and we would find ourselves back in the same spot.  We would find ourselves at massage parlors, peep shows, web sites, hook up spots, and affairs as if we never left.

Why do we keep returning to the place that takes so much from us?

It was when we got put on the path of recovery.

Members of the fellowship who had the same struggles talked about how through working the steps they began to see changes in their lives.  Some of us got on this same path and discovered that for us as well sexual sobriety is possible.

The First Big Step

So where do you start if you think you struggle with sexual addiction?  Some of us tried everything before we finally made the first step.  We tried to manage our impulses on our own.  We told our selves we can lick this.  We made excuses as to why the meetings were too inconvenient or why we didn't feel like going.

Finally, we made that longest walk across the parking lot.  We went to an SLAA meeting here in Boone, NC.  To our surprise, we were met by people just like us.  We were encouraged to hear their stories and were surprised to identify with common elements that matched our own.  We saw that people were not beaten down with shame but actually had learned how to move beyond their disease into service.

Going to a meeting was the first important step.  And we are thankful we did before things got worse.

A Spiritual Program

For some of us, the idea of a spiritual program of recovery is difficult.

For some, we had little interest in God and had no regard for religion.

For others, we carried resentment towards our churches or were completely baffled when we realized that our religious beliefs and practices would not deliver us from our sexual addiction.

This program helped us to start over with a clean slate.  We came not as an authority on spiritual matters but as those powerless over our sex and love addiction.  From that vantage point, some of us found new spiritual paths.  Others rediscovered our own faith tradition and received it back with greater depth and richness.

In all cases, we realized what it means that we are not God and that there is something greater than ourselves to be thankful to.

There is a solution!

One of the chapters of the AA book proclaims:  There is a solution!  This was pretty radical considering the book was written in the 1930's and at that time alcoholism was looked upon much like sex addiction today.  Many thought there wasn't a problem and that alcoholics should simply moral and discipline up and stop drinking. Those who realized the desperate dilemma of the alcoholic really didn't know how to help them.  They seemed beyond hope.

Then through a series of unlikely circumstances and experiences a solution was pieced together and AA was born.  Their solution was that by working a series of twelve steps, one would clear away the debris in their lives.  This would make the way for a power greater than themselves to grant them a vital spiritual experience that constituted a change greater than their longing for alcohol.

Such a solution has been given to us in the twelve steps that we work in our program.  We are not cured and no one in our group is beyond the possibility of acting out.  But as one member said, "No longer does the car drive me to the adult bookstore.  I now drive the car."

Signs of Powerlessness

We came to understand that we were powerless over sex and love addiction and that resolve and willpower alone was not going to break the spell that drove us.  These are some of the signs that helped us recognize that we were truly addicted and needed help:

• Progression - Our behavior began to grow in expanding concentric circles of willingness, risk, and intensity.  What satisfied us at the beginning, exploratory stage only set us up for the behavior we think we need now.
• Violated Values - As our addiction grew, we became more and more willing to violate our cherished moral and religious values leaving us with a sense of shame and regret.  One addict said that he could not lower his moral standards fast enough to keep up with his behavior.
• Efforts to Stop - We found that all of our efforts to stop through resolve, discipline, and willpower might help for a season but we eventually found ourselves acting out again, often in larger ways and binges.  One addict wondered if he should just budget more money when he went away on business knowing he was going to seek out and find a prostitute.
• Risks - We had a greater willingness to ignore the consequences of life whether it was violating the law or putting our life, reputation, and health at risk.
• Unmanageable - We found that we were willing to spend significant amount of money and time on our disease and endure the shame, fear, and loss of self-respect that acting out leaves us with.  Most of all, we went home with secrets and tried to outwardly carry on a normal existence wondering when we were going to get found out.

None of this is intended to shame.  When we came to grips that much in this list was true in our lives, we got help.  This realization of powerlessness was the key to unlock the door to reach out for help.  We found SLAA where people received us without judgment or condemnation and we began to regain sanity and get better.

Broken Boundaries

We would try to establish boundaries around our behavior, but eventually we’d violate these boundaries.  Some of us decided that we would engage in certain behaviors, but that we wouldn’t bet involved in other things that were dangerous, caused harm to others, or were illegal.  We would act out in so-called “safe” ways, and only fantasize about acting out in forbidden ways. 

Then one day, we crossed those boundaries.  We paid for sex when we thought we never would.  We took risks meeting strangers for sex.  Or we violated the sexual boundaries of others.  We may have promised ourselves that we would not do these things a second time, and yet we did.  Before long, we did them repeatedly, hoping we could stop, while praying that we wouldn’t get caught.

SAA page 5

Willing To Change

"We have learned from hard experience that we cannot achieve and maintain abstinence if we aren't willing to change our way of life.  But if we can honestly face our problems, and are willing to change, the Twelve Steps of SLAA will lead to an awakening that allows us to live a new way of life according to spiritual principles."

-Sex Addicts Anonymous Book, page 20

Healing

When we begin to heal, we begin to substitute honesty for self-destructive ways of expressing emotions and feelings.  We learn to avoid situations that may put us at risk physically, morally, psychologically or spiritually. We learn to accept and love ourselves, to take responsibility for our own lives, and to take care of our own needs before involving ourselves with others. We become willing to ask for help, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and learning to trust and accept others.

One may think that the SLAA fellowship is to help us stop acting out with everything else unchanged.  Rather, it is helping our Higher Power change us so that we live life in such away so that acting out does not have to be central.

Signs of Sex Addiction

Here are some signs of sex addiction:

• Powerlessness over addictive sexual behavior.
• Resulting unmanageability of his/her life.
• Feelings of shame, pain, and self-loathing.
• Failed promises and attempts to stop acting out.
• Preoccupation with sex leading to ritual.
• Progressive worsening of negative consequence

Many of us know these characteristics first hand.  We found not silver bullet or magic cure.  But we did find a fellowship of other sex and love addicts.  By admitting our powerlessness over our addictive sexual behavior and working the steps with a sponsor, we found that these characteristics could be put at bay and we can begin to live a life of healing.

The Paradox of Powerlessness

The amazing paradox was that we were totally unable to rid ourselves of our compulsive sexual and romantic behavior until we first admitted that we were powerless over it.  This is counter intuitive as one would think that we would have to be stronger so that we can fight the triggering urge.  But unlike other areas of our lives where we had mastery, this addiction won the day.

Until we admitted our powerlessness and turned to help.  Others kindled in us a hope that there is a power greater than ourselves that could restore our life and sanity.  It was our acknowledgement of powerlessness over our addiction that moved us to take and work the tools at hand until sobriety and then serenity started to become a way of life.

Why Sex Addiction Is Different

With alcoholism and drug addiction, defining abstinence is simpler.  Once can live happily without alcohol or drugs.

For this reason, we define our bottom line behavior (acting out) as well as are middle line behavior (risky or warning behavior) as well as our upper line (positive behavior that defines who we truly are).

"Most of us have no desire to stop being sexual altogether.  It is not sex in and of itself that causes us problems, but the addiction to certain sexual behaviors.  In SLAA will be better able to determine what is addictive and what is healthy.  However, the fellowship does not dictate to its members what is and isn't addictive sexual behavior.  Instead we have found that it is necessary for each member to define his or her own abstinence."

Sex Addicts Anonymous, page 14.

Moving Out Of Shame

The thing that binds us in our addiction is shame.  It is painful to talk about our exploits and so we isolate.  Yet it is this isolation that fuels and perpetuates our addiction.

This is why the fellowship of SLAA is important.  We come out of shame into a community of those who understand.  In every meeting we read:


"Our main purpose tonight is to make you feel welcome and share with you are message of recovery from sex and love addiction.  Please be assured that we are not the arbiters of anyone's sexual or romantic conduct.  What you choose to do or not do is your business.  We are only here to help you and to help ourselves."



Only in such a fellowship can we begin to face our compulsive behavior and move towards healing.

We're Not Special

As sex and love addicts, we fall into the trap of thinking we are special.  I can get that thing that will meet my need by skirting around the rules.  While we can be good on our jobs, resourceful, practical and intelligent, we find in this area we make choices that put us at great risk.  Others have lost jobs, marriages, respect of family, ministries, and health but when we act out, we embrace the notion that we are somehow immune.  When we come into the fellowship of SLAA, our sanity and sense of reasonableness began to be restored.  We began to understand what it is like to be ordinary enjoying life, developing healthy hobbies and habits, and bringing our unique gifts and talents to serve the world around us,

Our Addiction - Acting Out

Sex addiction is a disease affecting the mind, body, and spirit.  It is progressive, with its behavior and its consequences usually becoming more severe over time.  We experience it as a compulsion, which is an urge that is stronger than our will to resist, and an obsession, which is a mental preoccupation with sexual behavior and fantasies.  In SLAA, we have come to call our addictive sexual behavior acting out.

Sex Addicts Anonymous page 3